(Image taken from Google)
In this day and age every single person and their Nan has a Tinder profile, well maybe not your Nan but probably your sister. We all love to judge people’s looks and swipe our way to high self esteem, that little pride when you match with the super hot boy who is only 8km away – result.
During my time swiping I’ve learnt a few things and I bet you’ve experienced them too.
1. How far is 14km?
Us Brits struggle with this mathematical equation trying to work out how many miles is km and where could this person potentially live based on this. Time to hop onto Google.
2. The hottie with no personality.
You’ve dribbled over their photos, shown your mum to see if she approves and planned what you’ll wear on your first date but then they ruin it by being the most boring person you’ve ever encountered. I’m talking ‘what you up to?’ ‘oh nothing, just chilling.’ Conversation over.
3. ‘Tinder doesn’t send me notifications, can I take your number?’
Or any other awkward excuse to ask for your number. Tinder does send you notifications and you do use this often because you messaged me 0.005 seconds after we matched. Just straight up ask.
4. The overuse of the infamous monkey emojis
Nothing kills a compliment like the feature of a monkey emoji. You’re a grown man put the monkeys away please.
5. The false age
Due to everyone signing up for facebook before the required age it’s quite often you click on a ’22 year old’s’ profile because they’re attractive and it turns out they’re actually 17. Now you feel like a cradle snatcher and need a steaming hot shower to wash off all the nasty.
6. The awkward match with someone you know IRL
We’ve all done it, you see that guy/girl that works in your local Spoons and you think ‘shall I swipe right? Just to see’, because you’re intrigued about whether they think you’re attractive or not. So you swipe right and 9 times out of 10 they’ve done it too and hey presto you can never go in that pub again.
7. There will always be people that open with the line ‘sit on my face’
The most common of the opening lines used by sleezebags. I’m all for a cheesy chat up line to get the ball rolling, that’s all fun and games but the statement ‘sit on my face’ has no possible reply when coming from someone you’ve never met. As a result you never speak to this person again, unless it’s politely telling them where to go of course.
8. You will eventually see one of your friends’ other halves on tinder
It will be awful and you won’t know what to do. I like to swipe right and check just how much of an arse they really are before writing up a full report on why my friend needs to leave them.
9. No one ever looks the same in real life as in photos
It’s a known fact. Most people will look worse in real life, I know I do. My advice would be unless you find them insanely attractive in photos you probably won’t find them attractive if you ever get to the point of meeting them.
10. Lastly, the worst of all… The accidental left swipe
No one in the history of tinder has never not swiped left on someone that they find incredibly attractive after having swiped left on countless people. It’s routine, you’re out of control and swiping too fast and then you catch a glimpse of this gorgeous person but it’s too late, your thumb has already completed the left swipe motion. It’s game over.