My anxiety is the bane of my life, there is no two ways about it. It affects every part of my life but I have come to the conclusion that it affects me mostly in relationships. When I say this I don’t mean the person I’m with causes the anxiety but the relationship itself and everything that comes with it does.
I am aware that anxiety can cause many an argument between me and my boyfriend and sometimes it can be over the simplest of things because my mind does not see it as simple. My SO, thankfully, does not suffer with anxiety and therefore does not understand how it feels to be trapped within your own mind and see things the way your mental illness distorts them to be. He does not understand when I panic because he hasn’t replied to my message, doesn’t laugh at the thing I say which I think is funny, acts even the tiniest bit suspicious with his phone, likes another girls picture which to me means he fancies her more than me or has a perfectly legitimate reason not to see me that day. To him, I am ‘crazy’ but to me this is normality. When I insist that something is wrong because that’s what I can feel within me he doesn’t understand that it’s not me, it’s my anxiety. That it’s not him I don’t trust, it’s just that my anxious mind does not trust the world.
When the above things happen, I am annoying myself and finding myself tedious and difficult to deal with so I can’t imagine how hard it must be when you have no knowledge or understanding of anxiety. It frustrates me so much to think that I am inflicting my illness on someone else, that I am unable to trust or love fully because of something that is out of my control.
I understand that it makes me difficult to love because I am challenging, need constant reassurance that I am loved, often jump to conclusions and assume the worst and sometimes seem untrusting or just ‘crazy’ as he would put it. I am aware of how difficult it is to love a person like that because I struggle to love me as well.
I can try and try to control the anxiety within me and some days I just can’t and those days are hell. But the next day is a whole new day and that one, maybe, I will win.